A Heart That Betrays My Mind Continued…….

Posted on November 25, 2011

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As promised, this post will cover the good and bad things about guy Number 2 and what I learnt from that relationship.  I realise that it changed me and my perceptions.
So let’s get straight into it:

The bad things

  1. This experience made me 1000 times more cynical about people. I now even consider myself ‘fully cynical’ ..ha! As if it’s some sort of course I’ve been on, and I’ve done all the coursework and now I’m a fully qualified Cynical 😛 When I was younger I was always too trusting, and when I was even younger I would hug everyone and give them wet toddler kisses all over their face which my parents worried about because they knew life would teach me, and it would be a harsh lesson. A beneficial one at that. I don’t think there is anything bad about cynicism, I think seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses is just unrealistic and will result in pain anyway.
  2. Due to the above, I also lost all trust in people. Everyone. Even though this in some ways is a good thing, it’s also hindering, because I distrust people for any reason and don’t find myself making any exceptions. This of course has its repercussions in future relationships, but fact is, they will cheat or at least lie at some point, of that I’m sure!!
  3.  He managed to destroy my self-confidence and self-esteem, so much so that I thought it was impossible for anyone to ever like me again. This changed in time, of course, but key word there is ‘time’. He had said so many bad things about me to everyone he knew that I eventually started believing it. One day I became incredibly frustrated when his mom text him for the 100th time with some more abuse, so I decided to reply and clarify all the things I did for him, how I cared for him when he was sick, how I supported him in everything he did, and basically try to shine some light into the good things I did. She replied back quite shocked saying ‘wow at least there’s hope for at least one of my sons to be happy’. This always irritated me because whenever I have problems in my relationship and I tell my friends or my family, they know that I am just venting but that I truly like/love that person otherwise I wouldn’t be with them, and I try not to say the really bad things about them in case my parents do really start to hate my partner, which I obviously don’t want, so I always go out of my way to tell them all the good amazing things about them too. It would be nice to have this be reciprocated as well.
  4. I made so much damn effort for this relationship, I did things for him that I have never bothered doing again for anyone else. I tried to do romantic things, and make things fun and interesting in the bedroom etc always trying to come up with new ideas, and even after all that, it wasn’t enough?? He had still searched for more in 5 other women?!? So unfortunately for guy Number 3 I never did anything of the sort, as I just had no motivation to do so as I didn’t see the point in trying so hard to keep him happy. This is sad. I’d like to change that. I hope it changes, because I don’t think it is fair for future boyfriends, but we’ll see.
  5. He tried to make it sound like I was this crazed controlling bitch, but if I was so bad why did he stick around for 3 years?!? And why did he never leave when I told him to get out, if he was so unhappy?!?
  6. He was incapable of having a conversation about anything other than photography or what was going on in his life. As soon as you talk about yourself, he switches off and in terms of being with a group of people where everyone is enjoying a really good discussion, he would not take part for hours and just sit there, bored out of his mind – which I find really off-putting, so now having a guy who can have a conversation about anything is definitely on my check-list.
  7. He had no real interest in music…quite sad. All he liked was Greenday…literally..anything else he had no desire to listen to.

So, for the good things:

  1.  He had a really sweet side to him that you just couldn’t help but love.
  2. He was very affectionate and hated not holding my hand at any point in time.
  3. We had a really companionship for the most part
  4. We knew each other inside out
  5. He got me into modelling which was fun and something I never thought I would do
  6. He got me interested in photography and I wouldn’t mind to continue exploring that at a later stage
  7. He taught me how to fish, something I seem to be quite good at and I really enjoy
  8. He got me into fish in general, so that I will definitely have an aquarium later on in my life
  9. I learnt more about the modified car world
  10. He always took me somewhere new and interesting: Wales being one of the places where we climbed the biggest mountain in England and Wales – Mount Snowdon – which was an incredible challenge and one I’m proud of
  11. He would go out of his way to do a lot of little things that were cute and special that a lot of guys just don’t care about, like for example, make a certificate for me after climbing Mount Snowdon 😀 ; make a plastic modelling card for me; give me a little fish bowl with a couple goldfish for when I was at Uni and needed some company haha; he made a little tiger for me from scratch, he bought all the materials and sewed it up, stuffed it, put whiskers on it and a nose and eyes and ears and stitched a heart onto and gave me a booklet with the story about the tiger for Valentine’s Day; he made a special portfolio for me with all his favourite pictures of me and then did one of himself, for me too, and alot of other little things that nobody has ever done.
  12. He also wrote a song for me with guitar and everything, giving me the lyrics  😀
  13. He supported me a lot during my parent’s separation and eventual divorce which is something I will always hold dear in my heart. During a phase where my family members decided to go all vegetarian during this strange time, and I absolutely hated eating, he would drive to my house and bring a whole bunch of meat and cook it for me, which was really special and thoughtful.
  14. He supported an equal relationship in which we both cooked and washed up and cleaned the house/flat together. We would always cook together, and one of us would wash the dishes while the other dried and put everything away. This is something I consider extremely important in any of my relationships as I am nobody’s slave.
  15. One Christmas where my Aunt and 3 cousins came over from South Africa and I had never met them before, I had originally planned to spend Christmas at his house with his family, so we were there until the evening, and then my family really wanted to see me and had a bunch of presents for me and wanted to just hang out, I had to go because they would leave back to SA soon, which his mom got all pissed off with me for leaving, there was a huge argument with his mom and grandmother shouting and insulting me, but he drove me to my family and spent that part of the day with me, which was very appreciated.
  16. As I said before, after the cheating and the lies came out, he truly did everything to become the best boyfriend a girl could ask for, he even moved out of his parent’s house so that I would be able to go visit him, seeing as I was banned from his parent’s house. But unfortunately my feelings for him had been destroyed. I tried my best to forget everything, to trust him, to love him again, but it is one of those things, that once gone so irrevocably, there is nothing one can do 😦 At least I know I tried. For over a year, I tried.

The things I learnt from this relationship:

  1. I learnt a lot about companionship: what it means to live with someone and to compromise
  2. Once trust has been broken it can never be truly replaced
  3. People are never what they appear to be; they may behave a certain way around you, but reality is a very different thing
  4. You can do everything right, and still not be good enough
  5. In the 3 years I learnt a lot about the ins and outs of a companionship which has enabled me to find it easier to live side by side with a man, however, this can also be contributed to my Dad because psychologically speaking, if you have a good relationship and companionship with your dad where you’re comfortable around with each other, affectionate, can joke around, be serious, have comfortable silences, talk about absolutely anything, support each other in good and bad times, then this goes a long to to knowing how you will behave with your husband one day.
  6. I learnt a lot about myself as well as a new understanding for what I look for in a man. I have very specific boxes that require ticking before I go into a relationship which I think is really important. Which is why I don’t understand the concept of marrying one person and him/her being the only person you’ve ever been with because you never know what it is you like and want!! You only find out through experience, both good and bad.
  7. I have become a lot more tolerant of things I used to get really upset about before, just through a better understanding of people. In some ways, I think it is bad, because I let a lot of things slide by now, which I probably shouldn’t. The one thing I never let slide by though, is lying. Anyone who knows me, knows this is a no-go area with me which brings me to number 8.
  8. I realised that I am actually really good when it comes to knowing when people are lying, seeing as my instincts were screaming at me everything he lied, which he did a lot throughout the whole relationship, so I know to always trust my instincts no matter what other people say or what is being said to prove otherwise.
  9. I learnt how to enjoy me own company. This is a key point, I think, because after I lost my love for him, I couldn’t break up with him purely because I was so used to living with him, and didn’t know ow to be without him. The point at which I did eventually tell him to leave, I as finally ready, and even though it was hard at first, I still learnt how to be alone!! This in itself is a huge lesson for everyone – it is really important for future relationships as well because it means you know not to become too attached and have your own life, your own friends and your own hobbies in order to allow the relationship to survive.

This is all I have to say about this particular relationship. It has been weird thinking back about all of this, some stuff I had forgotten about, and I’m sure there is more, but it’s hard to write a 3 year relationship down. Have any of you had a similar experience? If so, I’d love for you to share it with me and let me know how you coped with it all.

In my next post, I will finally begin the story about person Number 3. I am quite nervous about it, so I have no idea how to approach it 😛 It is the reason why I started this post in the first place, I just somehow ended up writing more about the first 2 than originally intended.

So pop back here for the continuation  and revelation of perhaps the most important person Number 3 I say more important, mainly because it is a relationship that is still present in my life. I don’t want to devalue the other 2 which played a big part in my life 🙂 To be continued….<3

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Posted in: Love