The Final Chapter: A Heart That Betrays My Mind…

Posted on November 28, 2011


The time has come to write about person Number 3. I am excited about this chapter of the story but I am equally in a state of dread…I have so much to say, yet I could describe this relationship in just a few words.

Person Number 1 explored a beautiful love story between 2 people who truly loved each other and were separated by fate – an impossible kind of pain but at least I knew he loved me in return.

Person Number 2 involved moments of happiness coupled with desperation when the lies and cheating began and in the three years much was learnt – the pain was mostly that of betrayal.

Person Number 3 is a story about a relationship which has no foundations – the pain being that of meaning nothing to someone all this time, no matter how much I give, give and give.

Three very different but very real kinds of pain.

I guess I should start from the beginning…

I met him through my mom. Yes, my mom 🙂 Why? How? You might ask. Well, my mom is studying at University, which happens to be the same University that he went to a year ago while he was doing his Master’s degree. They lived in the same accommodation and there was quite a big group of friends which both my mom and him were a part of so, naturally, I met him. My mom would talk about all her friends and I would listen but I didn’t think much of it, so when I met the people she spoke about, it didn’t really make a big difference to me. So when I first saw him, I was actually seeing another guy and was quite drunk that night and he later told me he though the guy I was seeing looked like a jerk..ha! In my drunken state, we exchanged numbers. But I didn’t think much of him at the time. Until the day my mom invited him and another friend over for dinner at her place while I was there and we ended up having really interesting discussions about a range of different things until quite late at night. It was at this point that I started looking at him differently and thought ‘huh…I think I like him’ 🙂

I became attracted to him because of the way he put his point across in a discussion; the way he could participate in a conversation in any subject but when he listened, he really listened. It was nice to be making a point and having someone pay so much attention and really listening to what it was I was saying. From this point onwards, I would look forward to seeing him when I came to visit my mom, and I found myself quite attracted to him. One night I was actually talking to my mom about him and my phone beeps and it’s a text message from him!!! I was super surprised as it was completely unexpected. He was inviting me to his house warming party that Friday, which I obviously agreed to. I had it in my mind that he would be mine that night…hehe 😛 As the party went on, there had been flirtatiousness between us, eye contact – both of us checking each other out – and we saw two girls kissing so he turns to me and says ‘Should we show them how to do it properly?’ So we kissed 😛 We went upstairs and he sang and played guitar for me – sang about 3 songs – (he plays in a band, lead singer, guitarist and pianist) The rest of that night is history 😀 I will however add, that one thing that remained a joke forever was that while we were talking to each other in bed that night – we were getting into some deep conversations already – I asked him ‘What is your goal?’ and passed out cold hahaha 😛 He apparently liked my question and was about to give me a really deep and philosophical answer, in fact he began answering until he realised I was breathing deeply and being totally  unresponsive 😛 Every time I think about this it seriously makes me giggle 😀

After that we would meet up, then he came to my own flat warming party when I moved back into student accommodation for my 3rd year and he said ‘How often am I going to see you once I get back from Russia?’ (He was going home to visit just for a couple of weeks) I didn’t know, as I didn’t know what we ‘were’ yet. We began seeing each other every weekend, we would switch between going to my place and his, and one night I was talking to my cousin and he asked me where I was and I answered ‘I’m at a friend’s place’. Now…this took some hesitation because it is one of those situations where if you say ‘friend’ then he might get upset that you only consider him a friend, but if you call him ‘boyfriend’ then he might think ‘whooa we haven’t established that we’re going out yet’ so I took the safe option and said friend :p His flatmates thought it was pretty funny that I’d just dissed him by calling him a friend so I said to him ‘I called you a friend…because I don’t know what we are…’ and he said ‘well…I don’t consider us just friends…we’re obviously seeing each other’. So from this point onwards we were boyfriend and girlfriend. The problem is: looking back at that now, I don’t think boyfriend and girlfriend was the right term for us either!

The great thing about this relationship was that we really enjoyed each other’s company. We had so much fun together because we could talk about anything, we could joke around and be ‘idiots’, we could be serious if necessary, we could have comfortable silences, we could go out clubbing, we could hang out with our friends – we just generally got along really well. It was always a really comfortable relationship.

One of my fondest memories was how in the beginning we would talk until 5/6/7 in the morning and not get tired of each other. We never seemed to run out of topics. Even during the week we would want to talk about things and he would say ‘we need to meet up again so we can talk about this for hours’ 🙂 Every time we met up, I would be so excited – I just generally loved his company. There was definite physical attraction but it was more than that (or so I thought).

One of the things I loved about him was how affectionate he would always be with me, even in front of people; we were always tenderly touching each other – a kiss on the forehead, caressing hair, holding hands, sitting really close to each other – it was beautiful. We would go out clubbing or just generally go anywhere with our friends, and we would be totally anti-social – nobody else mattered – we just focused on each other and on our own conversation without any need to talk to anybody else, because it would be boring compared to what we wanted to talk about. We would get completely lost in each other. I absolutely loved that – that was new to me. My ex was incapable of good conversations and when we met with friends he tended to just leave me alone for most of the night. So this new experience was fascinating to me.

We had a really great group of friends at the time too. I lived in South East London and he lived in South West, so Easties would meet up with Westies and we had ourselves quite a big group of friends – and strangely enough, not one of us was British…ha!! We had a mix of Portuguese/South African, Russian, German, Albanian, Maltese, Texan, New Yorker, Pennsylvanian, Brazilian and Turkish. We would all get together and go Paintballing – which was a frikkin AWESOME experience, I loved it – we went to a ‘Haunted House’ for Halloween, we went Ice Skating in Hyde Park and we celebrated Thanks Giving for our fellow Americans to feel at home 😀 and we had some smashin’ house parties 😛 what happened at these house parties, stays at the house parties haha 😛

In a lot of ways this felt like a great relationship. It was all fun, comfortable, affectionate, problem-free, stress-free we did everything together – and enjoyed it – had great chemistry and I would say a good friendship too. After all, I believe that for any relationship to work, you have to be friends too, because if you’re not, things can go sour quite quickly when the boat rocks.

I’m sitting here trying to think of what else was great about us, but that was pretty much it. I can’t think of anything he ever did for me that was romantic. He gave me flowers and a perfume for my birthday…however, he had bought himself 2 perfumes as well…he helped me when I was moving from my student accommodation to the houseshare I live in now…but he didn’t do it in a supportive way, he was clearly pissed off and irritated throughout  the whole process.

I can also tell you the nicest things he ever said to me:

1 – I love being with you (this was right at the beginning, he said it once)

2 – I miss you (Also right at the beginning, but it didn’t feel like he truly missed me, it felt like he said it because I said it when he was visiting Russia again) He never ever said it again.

3 – You look so hot (occasionally he would change ‘hot’ to ‘beautiful’ but he had to think about it – I don’t think he ever actually thought I looked gorgeous…unless he spoke about my body)

4 – I prefer talking to you than to anybody else (He said this several times at the beginning)

I honestly can’t think of anything else he ever said to me that was sweet, romantic or thoughtful. The only time he would be really sweet was in the way he would be affectionate with me. But that changed too. So what did that leave me with?

I will leave you with this part of the story…until the next post 🙂

To be continued……..

Posted in: Love