Still The Final Chapter: A Heart That Betrays My Mind.

Posted on December 29, 2011

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I know I have left this for quite some time but I find it incredibly daunting to write about this relationship. You see..it is still ongoing, which makes writing about it quite difficult. My feelings about it change on a daily basis, from upset, angry to happy and content. He is my own personal conundrum.

A very small summary, is that after we went out for a year, he began treating me differently, coldly and completely indifferent to how I felt which is when I decided something wasn’t right so we had to talk. We ended up talking online which is not what I wanted, I wanted face to face but it ended in us deciding that it should end. He said we could still stay together if I was ok with the fact that he wanted to do things without me and without having to ask whether it was ok or not and just do it. He said he had been focusing on just me and now he wanted to focus on himself. I said it wasn’t good enough for me and couldn’t just stay with him on his own terms. Anyway…we ended up just occasionally seeing each other. I then realised he was in contact with a girl he had met on his blog, one I had noticed a few months before. I also found out that it wasn’t just friendly contact it was much more than that. They sent videos of each other doing everything on a daily basis. I won’t give any more detail than that on that particular part of the story. I confronted him about it and he said it was just ‘fun’ which I obviously didn’t believe. It is always so easy to know when a guy is hiding something from you, especially when he always turns his iPhone upside down so that his received messages can’t be seen. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn’t put it upside down, now would he? And everytime he received something he would be smiling while answering back. Anyway, me being the observant type, I took all of this in.

Suddenly I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks, he wouldn’t turn up for football, which was odd, and he was nowhere to be seen!! I then receive a text saying we can’t see each other anymore because he found someone (it was part of our deal, we would keep seeing each other until one of us met someone else) so I said ok, I was with someone the night before too so fine. The next day I see on facebook that he is in a relationship with the girl he had been messaging for a long time. I was so shocked and upset, all our friends saw it and we had gone out for a whole year and that had never happened. Anyway, whatever, I kept seeing the other guy from football. The next time I saw him was at football and I noticed things weren’t so rosy with his new girl, she kept calling him and he would roll his eyes about it which was a bad sign. After that I saw him on Guy Fawkes Night with some of our mutual friends, and he no longer was with her, I had stopped seeing the other guy, and we spoke a lot, we paid no attention to anybody else as usual we were absorbed by each other. He said his mom was coming to visit in 2 weeks which I was happy about and he asked if I would like to meet her. I said of course!!! I had heard so much about her, and it would be an honour you know? Sooooo we were back to seeing each other again…

Turns out the girl he had gone out with was from hell and did a lot of damage which affected him a lot. I will not share the details. We were seeing each other again – both feeling pretty melancholic all the time. Him because she had really fucked him over big time and he was still trying to deal with the problem and me because I was dealing with the fact that we had broken up, become ‘friends with benefits’ which is a horrible step down…and deal with the fact he had had another girlfriend, and now he was depressed about the whole thing when he had never been upset about us not even for a second. I was feeling depressed about the whole thing, but I still felt this incredible need to look after him, you know? Soothe him, make him feel better, give him some kind of comfort. Its ridiculous right?

We had been spending a weekend together and I had been helping him write a cover letter for about an hour and suddenly he says ‘I think you seeing me causes you too much pain’ …well yes of course! The conversation was basically him saying that he thought he had made it clear what this was and that it would never change. At this point I am crying, which really pisses me off because I don’t like giving him the satisfaction, but I had already noticed it wouldn’t change because he wouldn’t be as affectionate with me as he was before and he was constantly lost in thought about his recent ex. I ended up just leaving which made it pretty clear that whatever it was had just ended for good. A couple weeks later he wants to meet up again. I stupidly agree. It then gets to the point where he wants to just come over for 30 mins and doesn’t even want to sleep over which I put a stop to, because that is just too low for words. However, something very shocking happened. He apologised!!! The next day he actually apologised for being so rude the night before.

He was going to Russia the next week, and he was going for 3 weeks. We met up before he left. He stayed over which was nice. It was actually amazing. He took me out for dinner, and he was gentle with me. But best of all – we spoke until 4/5am like we used to but this time we were probably the most open and honest we have ever been with each other. He told me a lot of private things that he believed needed clearing up – I still don’t quite understand why he told me because afterall….who am I to him? I also told him about things I had understood about him. Things that people don’t tend to notice. He was curious, listened to everything I said, didn’t take offence and really seemed to take it seriously. That evening was precious to me. I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but I think we connected on a different level that night.

I am not saying that I expect him to come back from Russia in 2 weeks and say ‘Oh I want to be with you’ no…I’m not stupid. He has said it clearly that it will never change. I have to just accept it. Unfortunately I am addicted to this guy, he is a strange kind of drug that I have never experienced before. I have this intense need to look after him, make him feel happy, comfort him, see him smile but hold him when he is feeling down, listen to everything he has to say, good or bad. I am an idiot. A complete shithead. My goal in the near future is to cut him off, get him out of my system, actually get over him for good. Because at the moment I am giving him too much of myself – in the words of Alice in Chains ‘Nutshell’ – “my gift of self is raped” and its not fair on me.  I have so much love to give, but without getting anything in return I am afraid I am being squeezed dry, I will soon have nothing left to give.

Its frustrating..you know? He has decided in his head that I am not good enough to be his girlfriend – he has this idea of who he is looking for, which we all do, but I don’t know if he will find what he is looking for. Maybe I am in love with the idea of what we could be? Instead of seeing reality? He isn’t the type of guy who will do small special things that will really make me feel special to him. I think about little things I would love to do for him, in every day life, like having a warm bath ready for him when he visits me, or massage his legs after we’ve played football because I know how much my legs would feel better if they got massaged but I would never suggest it. I have a lot of thoughts like this, and then I erase them because it is pointless. Why make the effort for someone who would never do the same for me?That’s the thing…I could never tell him this, because it is so different to tell someone to do something from them actually doing it without you having to hint at it, you know? Asking him would ruin it in the first place.

He has this tendency to switch from affectionate and loving, to being stone cold. That ice burns. Taking pieces of you with it every time. Never having anything real with him and being told is also what I would call fairly heartbreaking. So I guess I have to focus on those things.

I have been asked on several dates by different guys, who are great by the way, but I just can’t. I feel nothing for them. None of them make me crazy like he does. It wouldn’t be fair on them. I have to first get this Russian man out of my mind before I can even begin seeing anyone else.

Perhaps this story will be continued later on, but for now this is it. Like I said the relationship or whatever you want to call it, is ongoing, it is still in existence so this story can’t yet have an ending.
I will leave you with my favourite picture of us. This is when we went to Portugal earlier this year.

I hope you enjoyed this long writing journey of the 3 most relevant relationships I have had so far 🙂 Let me know your thoughts on this. Any advice is appreciated by the way 😛 Feel free to drop some pearls of wisdom here and there 😀

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Posted in: Love