He actually left…

Posted on March 3, 2012


The day finally came when the man I love went back to his country for good. For those of you who read my posts ‘A Heart That Betrays My mind’ the last two of that string of posts were about who I referred to as ‘Person Number 3’. I prefer to give no names or faces as everyone has the right to their own privacy.

I knew this dreaded day was coming as he had been talking about it way back before we even broke up, but he started really considering it in December. In January he decided he would leave on the 28th February 2012. A dreaded day. I hate to admit that I perhaps played a part in convincing him to go back – of course he himself made the decision and I, of course, didn’t want him to go back. However, we always discuss everything and ask for each other’s advice therefore I gave him the most honest answer I could – one that I knew he needed because the decision to leave for good is never an easy one. I tried to think of it from my own perspective – if I was the one who had to decide whether to stay or go. The situation is that he came to the UK to do his masters and after that he spent a year and a half looking for jobs. He had a few temporary jobs after a year of applying but nothing permanent and nothing that could help him get a Visa (Wisa) to stay. So the choice is to either stay in the country and continue looking for jobs for another year at the age of 25 or go back to his home country where his chances of getting a job are perhaps better.
The way I saw it – there were only two ways of looking at this:

1 – He makes the most of the year he has left in the UK because he may not get another chance to do so and..why not? Life is short.

2 – On the flip side – also because life is short, why waste another year here doing nothing and leave at the age of 26 and try and start from scratch in his own country. He may as well do that now, right? He said “yes but I have friends, private life (me), football, band” and I said “well…those things shouldn’t hold you back…our group of friends is not what it used to be; I am no longer your girlfriend; you know your band isn’t going anywhere and football…well, you can try and play in your country too”.

So yes….I am kicking myself repeatedly and banging my head on a concrete wall for making so much damn sense!!! So he seemed to ‘see the light’ when I said this and it seems that from that point onwards, he had decided to go back and had really finally made the decision. I can be as angry at myself as I want, but I also know I gave him the best advice I could have given – advice that I would have wanted if I had to make such a difficult decision. Additionally, considering how much I care about this man…it is obvious that I want him to be happy. There is no point in me trying to convince him to stay then he becomes unhappy and then what?? It’s my fault that he is unhappy??? No way. This is not right. It’s not fair. So all I know is that I have a clear conscience. He wouldn’t have asked for my opinion unless he respected it so it is my duty to do exactly that.

This place I am in right now…this heart wrenching, soul destroying place I am in my mind and soul is excruciating. I have been in this place before. Perhaps this is why I was so anxious about knowing that I would be in it again…I know what is to come, I know how it is going to feel when he leaves and I know the pain I will be in when he is actually gone. But this is nothing that can be prevented. You have to go through it…there is simply no escaping it.

These last 2 months I have tried to enjoy my time with him as much as possible, but it’s not enough. It is never enough. Every second of every moment with him is precious and you know that in the near future you will be sitting by yourself wishing you could have more moments like that tomorrow and the next day and the next. But it won’t happen.

During this time we had the first goodbye ‘party’ during his last gig with his band. This was painful because once again, I know it will never happen again. When we were going out I went to every single gig he had. I know he took this for granted. I don’t think he appreciated it as much as I would have appreciated someone doing that for me. But I did it anyway, and I loved supporting him every single time. When  he was singing all these familiar songs, it was such a strange feeling. I have heard these songs so many times and each time it was a different day, with different clothes, and different situations, and happy with each other, and then broken up, and then friends and then now…him leaving for good. It all flashes in my mind. During the first times I saw him play…he would look at me while he sang…and smile or wink and it would melt my heart completely. Of course, in his last gig, he didn’t even look at me once. This is the painful way that things change…they always change.

I will continue this story in my next post…it’s not easy to write, as you can see it has taken me 4 days since he left to actually sit down and start writing. How do I even explain in words, something that has such an impact on my world?

I leave you with a song that I keep listening to…I was listening to it way before he actually left…it is an incredibly beautifully sad song:

I wish I could have him many moments more…


Posted in: Love